Second week of Advent

BLESSED Lord, who hast caused all holy Scriptures to be written for our learning: Grant that we may in such wise hear them, read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest them, that by patience and comfort of thy holy Word, we may embrace and ever hold fast the blessed hope of everlasting life, which thou hast given us in our Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.


Sigh.  I'm not one to do so well at disciplines--spiritual or otherwise.  On Thursday, I'm supposed to be on a panel with other USP staff sharing our thoughts on simple living.  Yikes; now that's another area of discipline.  


Mark is going to be teaching a class called Spiritual Disciplines and Community (or something like that).  When i boil down spiritual disciplines, I usually feel that my struggle is personal and communal.  That I don't pursue either of those avenues as thoughtfully as I might.  In one book, Fabric of Faithfulness, he describes the "valley of diapers" and part of me hopes/prays that in fact the years of having young children is part of my problem.  


I recently had an exchange with a friend who felt I was critical of the rule-following people of the world.  Sigh. I don't think I am, but I think I do in fact feel the judgment of the reality that in a certain critical area of my life--spiritual discipline-- it would be awesome if I was a rule-following person.  I think my mom has probably read the bible and prayed every day of her life as an active Christian. 

There is a go-to song at school that the girls sing, "read your bible, pray every day, pray every day, pray every day, if you want to grow, if you want to grow, etc".   And being in a cultural where Christian is practiced in a very evangelical manner (bible, prayer, no alchohol, lots of church), I feel ever-aware that I'm failing to be faithful in a traditional manner. 


So do I have an defence for myself; not exactly.   I would say that I can have these same doubts/issues in other close relationships.  Like why can't I just predictably kiss and affirm Mark every day before or after work---when I bemoan my selfishness in not being routine, he will tell me that despite his personality of routine, he would not want that show of affection from me because it would not be genuine.  And I think somewhere in that reality is something similar in my relationship with God--- in my ways I am ever-pursuing some reconcilation of this life with the nature of God, in some ways I'm ever reminded and praying/thinking of someone who is in need of something more than I can give, in some ways I'm constantly taking in the beauty and struggle of the world, in some ways this openness to what's broken brings me regularly back to internal meditations on God's salvation for the world.


And yet, part of me believes the view that as you adopt disciplines they are in fact more freeing, less constraining.  Walking around "guilty" for my lack of discipline is its own shackles.  As I sort this out for myself and for our "panel" discussion, I personally find that I need some measure of my own discipline conviction (we always say 1% change--if you change your mark one degree, 20 years from now you'll be at a very different place) and perhaps more intentional community in certain areas--everything is easier with someone else.