A blog by any other name is still a blog! :)

I felt about blogging the way I felt about capri pants when they were new.  I felt it was a trend that wouldn't last, and I am essentially opposed to trends, not on a moral level but on a "waste of my time" level.  Like let me see if this passes the test of time, and then I'll engage it more. Well, capri pants and blogging have passed a "relative" test of time... they've morphed a bit, still some people are "trendier" in their execution of these fashions but ultimately they've passed the flash in the pan test of time. 

So, here I am with a blog, and i'm wearing capris and I'm sure I'll miss the time when both of these choices cease to be cool. :)

But in some interactions with other friends, I would say that I'm working out the exact nature of my blog.  It is somewhere between real communication and a "personal memoir" and I feel that the ambiguity of the genre can prevent me from writing at times... am I disclosing myself as a symbol of a whole (expatriate, mother, christian, artist, seeker, learner, reader, etc) and editorializing on personal and cultural topics which relate to those issues?  Or am I writing a sort of mass-email to my friends and family keeping them informed on life and including the more personal summaries of my days and thoughts?  

Here is Wiki's description:

The personal blog, an ongoing diary or commentary by an individual, is the traditional, most common blog. Personal bloggers usually take pride in their blog posts, even if their blog is never read. Blogs often become more than a way to just communicate; they become a way to reflect on life, or works of art. Blogging can have a sentimental quality. Few personal blogs rise to fame and the mainstream but some personal blogs quickly garner an extensive following. One type of personal blog, referred to as a microblog, is extremely detailed and seeks to capture a moment in time. Some sites, such as Twitter, allow bloggers to share thoughts and feelings instantaneously with friends and family, and are much faster than emailing or writing.

I think it sort of matters what you decide the genre is because it affects your view of the audience and what  level of response you are expecting from the audience.   If a more personal mass email, you need more input and feedback from the audience.  If a more editorial comment on your life and the issues that surround you, the blog is more than 50% "selfish" or professional (think journalist); a venue where writing can be personal therapy and/or a platform of personal reflection/ideas. 

One thing I've noticed is that because I think of it as more personal sharing, I'm slightly hurt that others don't respond.  However, I think it is partly my choice to choose this genre and I think the genre itself precludes a more personal conversation with a specific person.  And I do have people comment or allude to things I've written so I do know that it becomes part of my relationship with others indirectly.  And I know for a fact that I really enjoy reading other friends blogs and don't comment or respond to their writings most times; and yet, i do find that by reading their blogs I know the writers better.  

So, my conclusion... I think its important to work through the nature of the genre and make peace with what it is and with what its not.  And I certainly appreciate that it is sort of the "meatier" version of facebook; a way to see more than pictures and comments and see the more fleshed out reflections and commentary of my friends (and random other bloggers who I follow, vicariously living  through their lenses and perspectives)

Self-depracating humor re: blogging!

I have copied this from a blog that can bring me some great chuckles; for all my "faithful" readers, I thought you might appreciate this ironic look at the life and times of ex-patriate livers!!! :) I've interjected a few comments in red!

Stuff Expat Aid Workers Like

by Shotgun Shack

Facebook is one thing: it’s a great place for hip status updates and posting a ton of pictures. But there’s an even better option for the first-time volunteer or the Expat Aid Worker on a first deployment…starting a blog.


Blogging for the folks back home (not to be confused with blogging to display your superior thinking) allows parents, friends, former classmates and advisors, the public in general even, to follow along and experience your new life at almost the same pace you do.


When setting up a blog for the folks back home, you’ll want to make the title some clever variation of your name and the place where you are posted during this first overseas EAW-type job or experience. Good words to include are “stories from” or “my life in” or “chronicle” or “Africa” or “nomadic” or “odyssey” or “adventures in…”  or “from [your home town/state] to [the country you are now working/volunteering]” or “[Slang word for people from your home town/state] in [place you are now living/working]“. Another good choice is a title that includes a term for foreigners (gringo, mzungu, blan, farang) in the local language, or a common colloquialism or phrase from where you’re stationed.


Yikes: think I've got a "pilgrim" quotation in my profile! 


Your blog is where you post that first set of photos that you take upon arrival: ”Here’s where I’ll be living for the next 2 years!” or “Meet the neighbor kids – they love hanging out in our compound! Look at those brown eyes!” or “Yep, this is where I’ll be showering” or “OMG the spiders here are ginormous!”


And those pics of you with "the locals"


I'd like to claim that such photos are mostly of our friends, helpers and colleagues but am very aware they still count in the seemingly "superior" "isn't our life different?" category...


It’s where the first of many photos of you and “the locals” goes up. It’s where you post that shot of you grinning and ironically sporting the traditional outfit that the women from the under-5 feeding and weighing project gave you. It’s where your earnest face, windswept hair and Chaco tan lines come out full force as you become one with the people.


When blogging for the folks back home, the important thing is to prove you are blending in well with your new surroundings. You also want to reassure worried parents that you are fine and that yes, you are in Africa, but no, you’re not living in range of Somali pirates and that Ivory Coast is actually on the other side of the continent, so you’re not at risk from the conflict there (if anyone’s actually heard that there is a conflict there… if not, just skip over that, it will needlessly worry them).


Your blog is where show all your friends that you are bad ass and you ride around the capital city sometimes in tuk tuks or matatus or chapas or tap taps or on the backs of motorcycles or in the beds of pick up trucks. It’s where you display your fake prowess at carrying water (or something else) on your head like the locals and the pictures of yourself standing next to war junk.


Or for the long-termer, you show pictures of your children carrying baby dolls on their back or show shots of yourself in local housing, eating local foods, or generally participating in local functions or events.  


Blogging for the folks back home allows you to vent about the cultural differences while at the same time being magnanimously accepting of them. It’s where you do your virtual eye-rolling about how many marriage proposals you get each week from the local guys; where you boast about the number of mothers who offer their daughters to you. It’s an especially helpful platform for complaining about immigration officials, local government incapacity, inefficiency, and bribery; and for expounding on your unique and intimate experiences attending local weddings in Asia or beybi chowers in Latin America. It’s where you air your homesickness and disappointment at missing cultural activities and events back home.


Your blog is where you show the pictures of the broken down bus and how you totally took it all in stride despite the fact that you stood in the sun for 7 hours trying to hitch the next ride. And how it was really horrible, but gosh, looking back now, it was all in good fun. And you got to meet some local people while you waited and they were so sweet and they gave you some mangoes [insert pictures of cute brown babies and kind mothers].


Your blog is where you subliminally work to convince the long-distance partner you left behind that you are still faithful. Or maybe you talk about how everyone at the market thought your local boyfriend was just there to carry your bags, or that your local female friend was your maid, or maybe you yourself were mistaken for a local by someone. Your blog is where you go into some detail about getting sick and navigating the local health system. It’s where you share your dismay at your first attempt at getting a haircut, or going for a Thai massage, or trying to buy a pair of shoes or underwear. It displays your photos of the food at the local market (Wow, look at all the fresh fruit! or OMG they eat [insert name of insect, part of an animal, or household pet] here.). Your blog is where you rail against the gender discrimination you find around you.


Anthropologically rich, your advisors would say....


It’s where you chuckle or ruminate about the local customs, especially those having to do with local healers, cures, superstitions and other beliefs that you find humorous, ridiculous, fascinating or shocking. And then maybe you explain that you’re not really making fun of those customs, you’re just pointing out how contradictory they are to the main religions in the country or how they go against common Western knowledge about good health practices. Or you might ponder the anthropological richness and the fact that people here actually know more than people at home. You might post some shots of local healer posters, and some photos of churches, mosques, temples, palaces, sacred religious places, statues and monuments.


There will be lots of pictures of beautiful natural spots, or the ex-pat bar, or the nice place you stayed at while on break. There will be shots of bad English phrases on t-shirts, signs, menus and the backs of buses and taxis. There may be photos you took on the sly, knowing that it was inappropriate to take them. You will assume that none of your local co-workers or friends or anyone from the country where you are working will ever read your blog, so you will feel free to tell it like it is, without worrying about someone finding your observations offensive….


Over time, your blog will change in tone, or perhaps you’ll stop blogging for the folks back home altogether, as culture shock ebbs and you go about your normal business and things don’t stand out as strange anymore. [Note: you may need to pick up blogging again when you make your first visit home and discover "reverse culture shock."]


Since blogging for the folks back home normally takes the form of a diary or journal rather than an analytical discussion on development methodologies or aid work theory and practice, it may become a liability when later you become a snarky aid blogger (after you’ve snagged a real aid job) and a large part of your spare time is spent making fun of people who resemble your old self. 


So it’s wise to use an assumed name when blogging for the folks back home. Later in your career you definitely won’t want anyone forwarding around that blog that you wrote back in the early days when you had no idea. Your field cred will seriously suffer.


Oh, self-deprecating humor, what a relief to live in all the pretension and then in hindsight be able to employ self-deprecating humor-- basically in order to preserve the current pretension of now being a more mature, sensitive thoughtful person!  

"Occupy my life"

So, I'm seizing the day, the moment, the falling leaves and fluttering moths... I'm at lunch in Kampala waiting to meet with Daniel and his teacher for a "teacher conference" (a story which harkens back to Mark's youth when he apparently told his mom he had a teacher conference in third grade... she came to the school, ready to meet and Mark said to her, "No, you wait out here, I'm meeting with my teacher").  That said, Daniel is helping lead the meeting because the school set that up, not because of his initiative in this case.

But as to busy-ness... I thought I'd start with a bit of a list of what is on my mind to let you into my mental space of busy-ness (read: spacey-ness as well--- after two many things, especially relationship-based commitments, I officially lose the plot)

1. An Article about In-Movement (see last post)
2. Grading student papers (I'm finished with classroom teaching but still have "cohort meetings" and grading.
3. Farewell to Dennisons (that was Tuesday but I'm counting it on this list!): a family that is just going on a 3 month visit to the States (just 3 months).
4. Sorting out schooling/best schedule for all our children next year--involves some decisions now related to Daniel's school, our neighbors who we are sharing a tutor with, my schedule (the point to come), etc.
5. Summer travel plans; communicating those to relevant people
6. Flying back to be in a wedding in 3 weeks (need to rent a car, priceline a hotel, figure out wardrobe for those events, etc)
7. Begin my online pre-requisite class (intro to pscych); I have to order text books for that, and perhaps finish that by August so i can begin my online Masters in Counselling with Messiah College
8. Blog some more. :)
9. Prepare for the informal art class which i've been doing with neighbor children
10. Oversee the making of brownies for students who ordered them
11. Have fun at dinner with some friends on Friday
12. Have fun on Sunday at an art/culture/activity-based venue on Sunday with our USP students, and hopefully our family also
13. Look at Dorothy's land and help her and her husband decide on the best way to proceed in developing that plot.
14. Have my dad up for a visit/dinner tonight; yeah, he's back.
15. Help Daniel practice "we are family" for his Keystage 1 production next Wednesday.
16. Oversee the making of a super cool duvet for my parents' "africa" room in Sewickley
17. Send real emails to certain friends and family (like my in-laws who loaded Mark down with goodies to bring back.)
18.  Read some of the magazines that were among the "goodies"
19.  Gear up for Daniel being on a school break for 2.5 weeks starting next Friday.
20. Call Mary Mills and tell her that we can't take her adorable puppy.  (This point reminds me of two stories... one is of a lovely older English missionary woman who once told my mom early in her time in Uganda, "I just decided one day 'you can't save all the jaguars'"  and that story reminds me of my good friend Dawn who spent two years of her time as a Wheaton student living with a family in downtown Chicago because the dad had been killed and the mom needed extra help.  One day DAwn said to me, there is this poor dog they keep in the basement.  And I want to help it, but decided "you can't save everything".  )

This last point brings me to a point that I felt more poignantly in Mark's absence than I've felt in some time.  I don't know if its an Africa thing, a living away from home culture, a raising young children thing, a real-life in all contexts thing.... Everyone and every puppy, is pretty much on the brink here... There's a little less every-day grace/assistance/security because all people are dealing with the unpredictables, illness, lack of infrastructure (Uganda piece), lack of resources, lack of options and outlets, lack of life-long community (being mobile/foriegner thing), etc...  

I was trying to build in the concept of "boundaries" to our students as we read Compassion but I don't know that it will compute at this stage of their lives the way it will when they are really juggling layers of responsibilities and layers of human relationships-- discerning how to prioritize the most important things, learning to "fail" at some of the less important things, ultimately accepting the things that are out in our control while "owning" the things that are in are control.

In Movement, art for social change

Yesterday, I went with some of our students to visit a project that really impresses me.





The group is called In Movement, Art for Social Change.  And I don't know if I can accurately describe how humble and thoughful the project seems... they are situated in a small house in a little walled compound about a mile from the American Embassy (not such a small house or such a small compound:).  


The managing director is an American, trained in education and management.  All the art facilitators are Ugandan artists and the whole team seemed intent and natural in their goal--empowering disadvantaged children through various creative means--less concerned with "products" than a transformative process for children.  


We were visiting on Friday and apparently we were seeing first year students (they have an afterschool program for children in grades 4,5,and 6 as well as camps on their long breaks).  From what I know about Ugandan children and especially children who have less than average resources, the program set up and community must be a very safe and secure place for these children to explore their creativity.  The children calmly entered the compound, changed into their t-shirts and found their journals and began to write and draw their responses to a prompt (how many limbs do you have?how did you use your limbs today?etc).   


They then were divided in groups and each group thoughtfully had an opening conversation in which the kids participated confidently.  The groups then began to warm up for their activities (there were three groups--dance/clowning, music/theatre and visual arts/creative writing).  Sadly due to traffic demands, we did not get to watch the whole session but in another life, i would love to be part of that group! Good leadership, good teamwork, good vision and means of executing it, and ultimately a good outcome--children who learn to value themselves and express themselves through creative means!

Kony 2012 and Nouwen

So, I don't think I'll include a photo unless I can think of an art piece that shows human muddled-dom....

A lot has been going on in social media related to Joseph Kony who is a maniacal man who caused (and at times still causes) much harm to children and the marginalized tribes in Northern Uganda.

But I won't try to explain that or give my solutions to that particular problem.  Rather, I thought I'd share the Nouwen passage that I thought relates to this recent Invisible Children/Kony phenomena.

"The disciples speak of their actions as manifestations of God's active presence.  They act not to prove their power, but to show God's power; they act not to redeem people but to reveals God's redemptive grace; they act not to create a new world, but to open hearts and ears to the one who sits on the throne and says, "Now I am making the whole of creation new" (Rv. 21:5)


In our society which equates worth with productivity, patient action is very difficult.  We tend to be so concerned with doing something that is worthwhile, bringing about changes, planning, organizing, structuring and restructuring that we often seem to forget that it is not we who redeem, but God.  To be busy, "where the action is" and "on top of things" often seem to have become goals themselves.  We then have forgotten that our vocation is not to give visibility to our powers but to God's compassion.  


Action as a way of compassionate life is a difficult discipline precisely because we are so in need of recognition and acceptance.  This need can easily drive us to conform to the expectation that we will offer something "new." In a society that is so keen on new encounters, so eager for new events, and so hungry for new experiences, it is difficult no to be seduced into impatient activism.  Often, we are hardly aware of this seduction, especially since what we are doing is so obviously "good and religious."  But even setting up a relief program, feeding the hungry, and assisting the sick could be more an expression of our own needs than of God's call.   


But let us not be too moralistic about it: We can never claim pure motives, and it is better to act with and for those who suffer than to wait  until we have our own needs completely under control.  However, it is important to remain critical of our own activist tendencies.  When our own need begins to dominate our actions, long-range service becomes difficult and we soon become exhausted, burned out and even embittered by our efforts. 


The most important resource for counteracting the constant temptation to slip into activism is the knowledge that in Christ everything has been accomplished.  This knowledge should be understood not as intellectual insight, but as an understanding in faith.  As long as we continue to act as if the salvation of the world depends on us, we lack the faith by which mountains can be moved.  In Christ, human suffering and pain have already been accepted and suffered; in him our broken humanity has been reconciled and led into the intimacy of the relationship with the Trinity.  Our action, therefore, must be understood as a discipline by which we make visible what has already been accomplished.  Such action is based on the faith that we walk on solid ground even when we are surrounded by chaos, confusion, violence and hatred." (Chapter 9, Action, from Compassion)

If I thought I could express this any better than he does, I would.  But I can't.  I trust that many or you who know me and know our life in Uganda can understand the relevance of this and I hope it is also a source of encouragement and a reminder of our role to "reveal God's redemptive grace"; to give visibility to God's compassion, not our "powers".

Compassion

Tomorrow, I'm teaching a new round of "Compassion"....

Since I'm preparing for my class tomorrow (while watching Wife Swap which makes me chuckle!), I thought I'd include this article that I'm using: Yancey on Nouwen (great summary of the life of Nouwen and his commitment to incarnating Christ's presence) and part of this blog: a blog on mudhouse sabbath--mourning (I think this is a nice look at how we are not comfortable being totally present with people as they suffer)

Both of these pieces are part of the message of the first whole section which is Nouwen's look at the "Compassion" of God; the nature of God's incarnation, the nature of God's solution to human suffering-- solidarity with the human condition.

And Nouwen's introduction and first section of the book is predicated on the fact that our human nature is competitive more than compassionate.

This all-pervasive competition, which reaches into the smallest corners of our relationships, prevents us from entering into full solidarity with each other, and stands in the way of our being compassionate.  We prefer to keep compassion on the periphery of our competitive lives.  Being compassionate would require giving up dividing lines and relinquishing differences and distinctions that would mean losing our identities.  This makes it clear why the call to be compassionate is so frightening and evokes such deep resistance.  This fear, which is real and influences much of our behavior, betrays our deepest illusions: that we can forge our own identities; that we are the collective impressions of our surroundings; that we are the trophies and distinctions we have won.  This, indeed, is our greatest illusion.  It makes us into competitive people who compulsively cling to our differences and defend them at all cost, even to the point of violence.

He then explains that God can become so deeply human with us because he is totally other than us, in no competition with us.  And if we want to become compassionate as he is, we would also have to totally accept the compassion of God and participate with him in his divine life to say, "I am not the esteem I can collect through competition, but the love that I have freely received from God".... This divine compassion is not, like our self-made compassion, part of the competition.  Rather, it is the expression of a new way of living in which interpersonal comparisons, rivalries, and competitions are gradually left behind.  


So, here is the start to this two week of teaching; of trying to suggest that we don't need solutions, schemas, direct words from God regarding our vocation, or other divine revelations--but in fact we should commit to the nitty-gritty work of turning away from our "natural" self, our pursuit of identity in relationship to other people's identity (competition) but rather seek our divine identity--our truest humanity which allows us to be in full solidarity with all humanity.

As I was writing this tonight I'm struck by the fact that these things are "gradually" left behind.  And each time I teach this book which tends towards the abstract, I'm struck with trying to highlight or discuss the practical ways we can seek this compassion.  How have I personally worked towards a "gradually leaving behind" of my competitive ways--in motherhood, ex-patriatehood, in spouse-hood, or intellectual life, or genuine-ness, or intentionality or creativity or cross-culturalhood or discipleship  or friendship or teacher-hood or right-brain-ness or mentoring, etc, etc, ,etc...  In what specific ways am I receiving my full esteem and identity from God's free gift of love and compassion, not from any of my own makings....

The story behind the painting (and my lack of communication!)

oh, yes, that is coffee by her bed

Various pre-ambles: How do mothers of many children ever actual sleep at night?  I've been up two nights this week and I have three children.  So, my basic math is telling me that my friends who have more than three children or children who are more sickly are up a lot at night.

I remember after an all-nighter in college trying to write a paper and describing the nature of that: "it's like the day there was no night."

And to all people who live with interrupted sleep (for mother reasons or other reasons), I'm thinking that there needs to be a "medical" excuse card that says, "i'm here in person but my mind is lonnnnnngggg gone."

But back to my specifics...
1. Mark took Daniel on a hike with students last weekend which was super dad of him.  But somewhere in that process, Daniel developed the worst bacterial infection that he's ever had.  Sunday night through the night and all of Monday was a pretty sad scene for Daniel with trips to the toilet every ten minutes and very painful accompanying stomach pains.  Daniel is prone to some drama, but not particularly due to illness/injury.  So, his "groans that words cannot express" and then  his words, "Why, why does it have to hurt so much? Why, why can't I just be better?, etc, etc" were pretty sad.  So, after a drive into Kampala with a stool sample and a "nice, nice" (the sort of sarcastic impressed "nice, nice") from a doctor who generally disregards most illnesses, I  had antibiotic in hand and was back to Daniel who was still stretched out on the couch coping with his misery with the distraction of Phineas and Ferb (comments on TV watching to come).  Anyway, three days off from school and Daniel is back to life as normal with perhaps a little more commitment to hand-washing (hope springs eternal).

2. The last few nights have also included some snuffilling of the girls but tonight was officially the sleepless night of Rachel with her cold.  This year she has had more "ear" problems related to her head colds and I will look into that this summer as Mark and I both have some "ear" history.  But I think ears may lead to the restlessness that just will not translate into sleep.  So, when in doubt, out of bed to the brown couch.  Try some cartoons, cereal, and bribery (tiny cup of chocolate chips) to take the "bad" medicine (chock full of sleep ingredient!).  So, here I am, trying to do one of my Friday tasks early.

Do I have any morals to make of this week of missed sleep...
1. Hats off to all who do manage life with regularly missed sleep!
2. I understand/respect people who don't do TV, but I couldn't be more grateful for it during times like this.
3. Seize the day!  I had procrastinated on some grading when Mark was at Sipi Falls with Daniel and I was so angry at myself when the sickness of the kids threw off much of my schedule and ability to get things done (on the night daniel was up, I did do grading!).
4. Mark is about to be travelling for 2 weeks... I can't tell if this is a mercy and the kids will be well or if this is just a warm up for "totally crazy/grumpy" Abby as I'm doing the teaching for the USP class, being super-mom (okay with the assistance of childcare), and praying like crazy that this touch of a cold and stomach problem that I've had low-grade will not progress. :)

P.S.: Mom, you asked if any Starbucks Vias would be helpful? Yes!!!! Somehow the instant nature of those is such a treat versus making a whole pot of coffee at 3 am.