Right brain/Left brain

As a follow-up to "the kids are mostly healthy now," I'm back to my Psych 101. :)

This week's chapter is on the brain and of course that is endlessly fascinating.  Definitely studying it makes me think of the verse, "we are fearfully and wonderfully made".

I've long said that Mark and I have many similar values and yet there are areas we are so different.  I often try and figure out those differences along gender lines or personality testing and those are surely factors.  But the distinct difference that I know is true is that I operate more out of my right brain and he operates more out of his left brain.

This makes sense to anyone who knows us well; but I've stumbled upon a small passage in my textbook that has shed more light onto our differences.

"Negative emotions are associated with greater activation of the right hemisphere, but positive emotions tend to produce greater activation in the left hemisphere" (Canli et al., 1998; Davidson, Shackman & Maxwell, 2004).

Hmmmm...... very interesting.   So, now let me launch into my own theories which probably constitute "anecdotal evidence" which my text book has warned me against....

I think I often operate in the world of possibilities, future, imagination, scenarios, anticipation, etc... these can be gifts that allow one to be a thoughtful friend, plan well for one's family, think through the bigger picture, imagine possibilities and help them come to fruition, etc.  HOWEVER, I think this same trait means that the present realities or unfoldings of all those dreams/schemes, etc, often doesn't actually "feel" the same way it did in the imagining stage.  I suspect many right-brain heavy people live with a constant disappointment, frustration, etc that they may turn on themselves (low self-esteem--i should have known better), may turn on others (blame--it would have worked if you hadn't done such and such), or perhaps more of a general depression that the world will always disappoint and that all is meaningless, etc.

The left-brain dominant person is living much more in the here and now, with all the data and information that can predict behavior or expectations based on logical analysis from the past, etc. They tend to be very steady emotionally and generally have appropriate expectations about their plans and how they will feel about them.  Because they have appropriate expectations, they are mostly positive about the plans they make and the experiences that they are able to predict.  The weakness for the left-brain person is if they have to prepare for an unknown situation, adapt and be spontaneous with things they can't plan for.  They also may suffer from inability to imagine another person's response to the situation.  From the left-brain people I know, they may also adapt to these weaknesses by avoiding a life with too many unknowns or unpredictable scenarios.

I'm assuming that no one is reading this an needing a serious diagnosis regarding why they have more positive or negative emotions but I did find this brain-break-down added a bit more explanation.  And when Mark and I have our act together, we're the perfect brain! :)

Grateful

“Thou that hast given so much to me give me one thing more, a grateful heart: not thankful when it pleaseth me, as if Thy blessings had spare days, but such a heart whose pulse may be Thy praise.”

― George Herbert

My mom has shared this quotation with me over the years, and I must confess it is wedged in my brain, a regular refrain to return to when the days have seemed long or hard. 

Last night I realized was the second night I had not given any children medicine in what I think may be almost six weeks.  

And I'm grateful.  Grateful that they are well.  Grateful that we've had good medical help along the way.  Grateful that our family has bodies that are mostly designed to fight illness, and to win the fight.  

One part of living in a developing country where there is much less infrastructure and public care for people, is the humbling acceptance that many people will suffer, will not have good care, and do not have bodies/contexts that are able to fight their illness. 

I think over the years my response to this disparity has fluctuated--but in all the rounds of "why the world isn't fair and what are we to do about it", I always come back to gratitude.  Genuine gratitude, not guilt-gratitude. 

We take our students to Luwero to visit some local churches and ministries and there is a lovely Catholic priest who embodies Christ in a very holy way.  On Friday night he shares with our students about the sad and hopeless lives of his parish; the HIV, the lack of resources, the lack of good governance, poor education system, etc, etc.  When he's sharing, our students are gathered around a long table in a simple guest house.  As he shares and they are drawn into this priest's call to live and love his people, their questions of guilt and opportunity start to pour out.  But, what are we, white-privileged-educated-American-etc students supposed to do about a poor African village woman who can't take care of her HIV infected 8 year old?  

"Be grateful."  That is his answer.  What? Is that enough? What does that mean? "Stop complaining. Love your family. Love your opportunity.  Out of the love and gratefulness of your life and opportunity, share with others.  Don't serve for any other reason."  I am paraphrasing a bit, but I do think that this is the key to compassion, service, and responding to suffering (ours and others). 

I'm about to teach Compassion again to our students and Nouwen says, "To persevere without visible success we need a spirit of gratitude.  And angry action is born of the experience of being hurt; a grateful action is born of the experience of healing.  Angry actions want to take; grateful actions want to share.  Gratitude is the mark of action undertaken as part of the discipline of patience.  It is a response to grace.  It leads us not to conquer or destroy, but to give visibility to a good that is already present" (p125). 

Why we love a visit from grandma...

Top ten reasons its nice to have my mom visit (not in an intentional order because that would take too much effort)



1. Reading to the kids
2. Knowing everyone and everything I'm talking about
3. Good advice about parenting and personal goals
4. Not having to pay back any points when she plays with the kids (and I'm in town blogging!:)

5. Little tokens (a card, an article she thought i'd like, a quotation that made her think of me)
6. Suitcases loaded down (we were able to order all our Christmas loot to my parents)
7. Her observations about the kids

8. Her wise counsel on many topics
9. Her model of relationship-priority and personal time-priority (they don't have to be at odds; and will be less so when I don't have young kids)
10. Her gratefulness for any scraps of meals we manage to give them

Errand day

So, what does an errand day look like for me?  During rainy season, it looks like this! :)

But to give a few more details that merit more than pity...

1. This morning I packed my bags... my psychology book (an undergraduate class I'm doing as a pre-requisite class); a memoir, my purse full of tricks, some headache medicine as I usually need one round of that at some point during the day, money, and cuddles from the kids (I'm always hoping those are cheerful kisses-being-blown goodbyes but it varies according to the day!)

2. I usually try to listen to some music and get my game-driving-face on as it does take some good concentration to try well, anticipate well, and adapt according to the days obstacles.

3. I try to plan most "errand" days with an "alone" cappuccino time first-- in this case with my books and a notebook to jot down my big and small picture details that need to be attended to (who do i need to contact, do i have major overdue correspondence, do I have things/presents I need to send back with my folks, do I have all the drugs I need at our house for various ailments, etc)

4. After that personal time, I'll usually start with one or two of the errands (pharmacy, ink cartridge for a printer, ingredients for daniel's science class, go by the clinic because i forgot to pay for my labwork, etc).

5. Then I usually manage to meet a friend or two in town; there is something much preferable to me to be away from my place of work (my home!) to catch up with friends and their lives.   This time away to   process life with other mothers, other expatriates, other Christians, other vocationally-minded women is important for synthesizing and reflecting on the demands of my life and incorporating the sameness and otherness of other women who navigate similar responsibilities.

6. After such meetings, I usually will tackle some of the other errands-- when I'm lucky that might include popping in at an art gallery or some crafts store/project that someone's told me about.

So, as you can see, it's not a bad life!  But now I'm hearing kids burbling at the door and my "real" duties call.

On a more positive note....

Pinkies with purple backpacks... ah, the love of bags begins at a young age!

Daniel's love of Jeanie causes some jealousy from his sisters!

Could we look more like Mark or what?

Adding the sweater to the school uniform and we're ready to roll!

I cannot write my blog today said little Abby Bartels McKay

First, if you don't know the Shel Silverstien poem, you can read it here

http://www.lbdsoftware.com/icantgotoschool.html

But the allusion is because I feel that my "long week" became a "long month" which I am praying is now ending as I enter October. 

My youngest, Rachel, had a bad wound from a fall that then became an abscess and I won't go into details but I think she's now on the mend.  And meanwhile, Mary has been bravely getting her cavities filled.  As far as I know, the dentist and doctor trips and visits are now subsiding and I might get those pockets of time that I remember in days of yore. 

One theme that this time of intensive mothering/nursing has highlighted is that it is very hard to take on very time-sensitive/dependent tasks and still provide a certain level of "availability" in times of child crisis or need.  

I have no solutions to this problem.  I have no counsel to other mothers or women deciding to become mothers.  I can only say that on a very personal and pragmatic level, I think it is very hard to discern what level of "outside the home" commitments one can make while children are young.  This may only apply in my context, but I must say many a mother worldwide as come to mind in that I know that even if you have them in a "state-of-the-art" daycare/preschool/montessori etc, there are times they are too sick or wounded to be taken out of the home.  

So, with health improving, and a new month upon us, here's hoping to return to some of the less committed tasks that are meaningful and mostly life-giving!  A recent option for me was, take deep breaths and in the time available for the next couple years, do activities that give me joy and keep waiting on the "productivity" piece because it will inevitably lead to frustration and failure.  But a pile of books, a stack of some craftsy projects, some disciplines in exercise and spirituality, some online writing and photo books and communication with friends--- those are things that will keep me fulfilled but not lead to the level of stress that isn't good for me, my marriage or my mothering!

About Sunday school and my friend Mary Jane

My friend and neighbor here in Uganda has taken on the job of helping with Sunday School in Mukono... Here is her recent blog post describing her process of taking on the role, and some photos which capture our kids attending Sunday school (in case you were worrying!)

Mary Jane's blog entry:
http://www.dennisonsinuganda.com/mary-janes-blog/2012/9/27/sunday-school.html