Even a child is known by his actions

Sometime, somewhere, in my near or distant history of motherhood is the chorus "even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right." I just used handy dandy google as my guide and found out that this song is based on proverbs 20:11.   And I thought i'd spend a little time on two implications of this--one for me/mark as adults and one for us as parents, and the role we have in raising our children.

This photo is not a photo of our neighbor's son, but it could be.  They were recently recounting that they are known as the parents of their third born child because he's such a character--not typical as you'd often be known as the parents of the first born.  And their son does wear his superman outfit everyday, in the equatorial heat, in any and all contexts and prefers to be referred to as superman.  He is definitely a child who is known by his actions.

So, how does all this relate to me?
i think the first thing i notice about the proverb is that basically the writer must be trying to correct adults who are trying to justify their actions.  The beauty of language, "even" seems to set the tone for this.  even="c'mon fool"...  and I think the basic point of this is true.  Actions are serious.

Here are some thoughts as related to my life:
1. A cross-cultural reality is that actions do not mean the same thing in every culture.  I think every ex-pat/foreigner deals with the self-consciousness, stress, energy of trying to translate certain actions (either actions to take on for the new culture or actions to cease or hide due to their meaning).  This can be a hard pill to swallow.  For example, dress code... I find it very tiring to be aware of my dress; I'm not good at that in my own culture.  Or eating/drinking while working... I love having a "drink to go" and also grocery shopping-- pretty sure that's defaming the sacramental quality of food/drink as a social communal experience.  That's a bummer.  And I can't claim that I follow all local rules/actions... I'm not really touching the iceberg on what these "actions" but i know that by my actions, i'm often conveying different/opposing/inappropriate things about myself than I would in my own culture.

2. Then there is the issue of actions vs. words... Mark is a real pragmatist; my mom appreciates (and finds curious) Mark's very pragmatic side by giving him various gifts including a local motto (slogan made of shells and seeds) that says "Talking doesn't grow pumpkins" or a magnet that says,  "Preach the gospel at all times; when necessary use words".... Generally speaking, Mark is a man of doing the right thing, more than talking about the right thing.   And I do find this attractive and sometimes maddening... can we do the right thing after we talk about what the right thing is????

Some parenting applications:

And this brings me to reflecting on our role as parents... obviously as you grow into parenthood you are faced with the somewhat humbling(read: daunting) project of raising and teaching these little people to also take responsibility for their actions and to learn how to choose the "right" way.  I'm grateful to have married Mark and his German Lutheran roots.  My mom used to sort of chuckle because Mark would be talking to Daniel (around 2years old) and giving him choices--in a very rational, calm voice he'd present Daniel with his choices and outline some of the consequences of them.   And sure enough, Daniel at age 7 is developing into a very logical sort of fellow, not without the impulsiveness of childhood (think he ate his 10 pieces of halloween candy within the hour) What's interesting is that Mark has adapted that end game to meet Mary's need who tends to be much more emotional.  When I'm impatient with her drama, he's usually able to scoop her up, give her lots of affirmation and affection and then shift into her choices without her feeling "accused" and "sensitive" regarding whatever "choices" she has in front of her.

A funny anecdote on this issue (are there gender differences in this realm?): The girls had these two little pink pillows that had a brand name on them "Bad Girl" with a halo over the "B".  One night Rachel said, "mom, what does my pillow say".... I, not aware that anything could ensue, said, "Bad girl".  This brought on a torrent of tears that no measure of explanation/trickery/humor could assuage.  "You said I'm a bad girl"; "my pillow says i'm a bad girl", "i'm not a bad girl", "i don't want to be a bad girl" and so on.   And I have found this is a different angle that has come up with the girls; they seem more prone to internalize any discipline as an accusation that they are "bad girls".   So, the "choices" conversation has shifted a bit.  I find I'm much more conscious to talk about their "actions" as they seem to take any other disciplinary language/tone as an outright attack on their very soul/character.  Again, I would say at this point that Mary is the very sensitive soul and Rachel is copying Mary's patterns.  Time will tell if Rachel is actually as sensitive as Mary.  But perhaps that ambiguity also adds to the humor of her "bad girl" pillow break-down.

I think Mark would say that we're a good complement... that on his own he might have come up with a few too many "right ways" and rules.  My strengths lies more in the big picture, what really matters in terms of a conflict of wills.  Is coloring with washable markers on one's entire body the time to bring up the "right" way?   Now, I'm not writing a parenting manual and many parents might have a no-marker-right-way-rule but I think Mark and I are seeking to try and boil down the "right" ways to keep them few and focused and consistent.  And this has by no means come without some serious "discussions" about what "majoring in the majors" means-- with lessons learned by both of us.

While I think I sound more conclusive than I feel, I've just been reminded recently that we will be known by our actions--- as adults and as children (and as rearers of the children!:)